In today’s world, we are constantly tackling various forms threats to our survival. These may not be as obvious as threats like escaping predators that were faced by our ancestors. Today, threats have evolved in various forms that might even go unrecognised. One such threat is a social threat of experiencing body shame and being rejected in the society, a society which has idolised a certain body image to be perfect.
My story of weight loss is inspirational to many people who know me. Just to brief you, I lost 52 kilograms of body weight over a period of 10 months by fully dedicating myself to a heavy workout regime. It did work and my life changed. I could see how superficial the society had been towards me. I could how the same people changed their attitude and attention towards me. I wouldn’t lie that I completely loved what I had achieved for myself and it truly boosted my overall confidence. However, what I developed was a fear, a fear to put on body weight. I never wanted to return to my old physique as I could see it as a big social threat to my survival.
In order to never go to square one, I kept following a regular work out regime. However, I often over did it whenever I ate something that I wasn’t meant to. It was exhausting to give so much time and energy to the this thought each time I ate something unhealthy. So what was happening was that I felt stressed each time I ate more than my restricted diet and my cortisol levels were triggered. Cortisol is a hormone that is produced by the adrenal glands that communicates the body to do something about the state it is in, so that one feels better. The obvious way to combat this stress was to remove the unwanted calories from the food I ate. Human brain is often accustomed to seek easy ways to deal with stress. Instead of excessive exercising, throwing up the food was one such easy way to get rid of the calories. I felt good momentarily as happy hormones dived in when I achieved calorie deficit so easily by throwing up the food I ate. Moreover, it gave me the power to eat anything without putting on weight. But when the happy hormones dropped, I found myself submerged in guilt: guilt for wasting food, guilt for wasting money, guilt for wasting efforts, guilt for wasting time and much more. Did I stop?
I decided not to do it again but human brain remembers what felt good in response to the threat one perceives. Every time I ate unhealthy food, my brain quickly went to idea of purging it secretly. After all, it was an easy way to avoid the social threat of rejection based on standards of a ‘perfect body’. But again, temporary good feelings were followed with even further guilt and I was caught in the vicious cycle of bulimia. Bulimia nervous is a serious, potentially life threatening eating-disorder in which people eat large amounts of unhealthy food secretly and then purge trying to get rid of the excessive calories in an easy way.
This post is an awareness post to seek help as it is possible to break this vicious cycle of binge-eating and purging. It isn’t easy but it’s possible. From being stuck in this cycle everyday, I have reduced the frequency to few times in a year. And I can assure you, I no longer see it as an easy way out as I have spent considerable time eating what I like without throwing up, and still carrying the physique I want.
I do intend to write more about how to end this cycle but do not hesitate to contact me if you have any questions.